Motherhood: The Good, The Bad and The Lovely

I've been thinking a lot this week about becoming a mother. I guess counting down the days along with Bethany (waiting for her to go into labor) made me think about 4 years ago, when I was waiting for Devon to arrive. There was so much anticipation, so much emotion, so much of the unknown. Now I can say it - so much has changed in 4 years - everything has changed about the way I view life, after becoming a mother.


Devon at 1 month old (October 2006)

The Good:
There are so many amazing things about becoming a mother... When Devon was born, I remember my happiest moment would be after a night of insanity - after hours of a crying, screaming, unhappy baby - he would finally fall asleep in the wee hours of the early morning. When he was ready to wake up, he would start cooing and I would look over the edge of the bassinet and he would look at me with a knowing look - the look that says "that's my Mama" and he would smile this angelic, sweet, soft, funny smile and everything would be forgotten - all the hours of torture would be erased with that one smile.

I still remember one night that I was trying to put Devon to bed. He was so little, maybe around 1 year old. We were in his dark room and I was holding him and pacing around the room. All the sudden, for no apparent reason, Devon started to kiss my face and he gave me about 20 kisses all over my face. Still to this day, it was one of the sweetest moments of my life.

With Dean, it has even been sweeter. This time around, I felt like I knew what I was in for and also knew the good parts to look out for - the feeling of holding his tiny little curled up newborn self, the first time I saw him accomplish a new milestone, the first time he slept through the night - these are the good parts. I know how fast this time races by in a blur and before I know it, he'll be as big as Devon and will be rattling off the names of dinosaurs for me.


Holding Dean (April 2010)

The Bad:
No one can prepare you to become a parent. You watch other people and you think "I could do that." You know your capabilities and you think "how hard could it be?" You look at sweet little babies and you think "I want one of those!" But... you have NO idea how your life is about to change. I think the biggest thing is to go from first to last on your own priority list. Before kids, when you were hungry, you would eat. When you were tired, you would sleep. When you wanted to relax, you would let your mind drift off into a blur of thoughts. After kids, you rarely get what you want when you want it. You give up yourself. It's hard to explain, but you realize how much you want to let your mind wander. Instead, your mind is working in overdrive, every second of every day, making sure your kids are safe - keeping an eye on them and not missing a second where they might eat an electrical cord or fall down the stairs.

It's probably good and bad, but I also didn't know how much my emotions would be directly and proportionately tied into the happiness of Devon and Dean. If they're not happy... Mama's REALLY not happy. As babies, if they whimpered, I felt sad. If they screamed, I started stressing. As one minute turned into two, I felt my blood pressure rise and my emotions start screaming with them on the inside. There's no switch to turn it off - you can't relax and watch your favorite TV show if your baby is crying... it's just not possible anymore. I didn't know that before I became a mother.

The Lovely:
Oh the love... it's unlike anything I've ever felt before. I didn't know that becoming a mother would open up a whole new realm of joy. To see Devon do something amazing, to be so smart, to be so funny, to be so cute... it makes my heart swell with joy. Sometimes I can't even believe that I'm so lucky to be his mother. How many people can tell you "he's so cute!" or "he's so smart!" before you feel like you won the lottery? I already feel that way. When I see him, I'm so proud that he's mine.


Devon at two months old (November 2006)

Then there is Dean - such a blessing to enjoy the baby things with him. Not to be resentful of the loss of myself, but to know all the million things that make that not so important anymore. He's my little angel, showing me how adorable he can be and how "easy" it has become to be his mother. He made me a confident mother, knowing I can swaddle and comfort and know exactly the right moment to give that dose of Tylenol. I can't wait for him to call for me and to hear him say "Mamamama" and mean it. I can't wait for him to take his first steps. There is so much happiness and love to enjoy and it's all waiting for me.


Dean at two months old (May 2010)

At least a hundred times a day, I think how lucky I am to have been given the gift of these beautiful boys.

To come full circle, I'm so happy that Bethany got to become a mother this week. Baby Grayson Bak was born on Wednesday, December 8th and I can't wait to meet him!